


Throes

by orphan_account



Category: Youtubers
Genre: Angst, Extremely bitter fluff, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Self-Hatred, Several mentions of vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 02:33:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10957860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Please forgive me when I lose control





	Throes

In a form, this is punishment.

 

He hates to show weakness, to show himself as fragile, to display signs that he’s as weak as he feels on the inside.

 

He hates to hurt others with his own sorrow.

 

But, seeing others in pain because of him fuels more of exactly what he wants.

 

He wants to hurt. He wants to suffer.

 

This is suffering too, in an even more extreme context.

 

Tyler’s hands on his skin burn, he wants to vomit.

 

He doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve this affection, doesn’t deserve his love.

 

Tyler doesn’t deserve someone so worthless.

 

He chokes on a sob as Tyler presses a kiss to his neck.

 

“I love you”

 

He doesn’t mean it

 

“Ethan, please” His voice is so soft, so hurt, he regrets saying a word of his emotions to Tyler.

 

He can’t speak, can’t even look at Tyler.

 

Tyler presses against him harder, pulls him closer, rests his forehead against Ethan’s.

 

Ethan’s stomach turns in the most sickening and painful way. His eyes burn as he fights back tears.

 

He wishes his body wasn’t shaking so much.

 

He wishes he didn’t say he wanted this.

 

This is love, this is validation, he doesn’t deserve this.

 

“I love you **so fucking much**.”

 

His blood boils, his body is shaking, Tyler’s words and touches hurt, dig into his skin like knives.

 

“Please don’t think this stuff about yourself” Ethan feels a tear rolling down his cheek. He wants to push Tyler off, run to the nearest bathroom and empty to contents of his stomach into the toilet.

 

He doesn’t deserve love, his body is rejecting it completely.

 

He wants to lock himself away, cut out his vocal chords, break his teeth and pull them out completely, sew his own mouth shut.

 

Claw his face, dig out his eyes.

 

Make sure everyone finds him horrendous and never want to touch him

 

Make others terrified to come near him

 

Assure **nobody** will ever care for him.

 

His nails dig into Tyler’s bicep as the older male moves above him.

 

Tyler’s babbling praise between pants and groans, one hand on the side of Ethan’s face, cradling it as he tells Ethan how precious he is.

 

It falls on deaf ears. The only thing Ethan can focus on is how much the touch burns his skin, stings worse than fire.

 

He’s sobbing.

 

Tyler holds him closer, says he loves him more.

 

“You’re worth more than everything in the world to me”

 

Ethan tastes the acid of bile in the back of his throat.

 

Tyler tries to hold him after he's done, tried to kiss him and brush the hair out of his face.

 

Ethan flinches from all of it, untangles himself from Tyler’s grasp, locks himself in the bathroom.

 

He scrubs his skin raw of each praise, each loving touch, each sign of affection he never deserved.

 

His hands shake, his skin is raw and red, the water burns, he digs his nails into his skin and fights the want to scream in agony.

 

This is suffering more extreme than physical torture could ever give him, to know that people care about him, to know that people love him.

 

He doesn’t deserve it, he’s done nothing to earn it.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [I have a Tumblr](http://crankyplier.tumblr.com/)


End file.
